Family Ties
by SuperstitiousSeaturtles
Summary: Arthur and Francis are taking the kids to see Arthurs mother in Devon. Well, not just his mother… How will Arthur handle a week with his beloved brothers? Human AU, FACE family (So FrUK, obviously). Rated T, because c'mon, if Artie's brothers are in this story...
1. You Don't Get To Choose Your Family

"Did I say this is a horrible idea?"

"Yes, five times to be exact."

"Well, it is."

Francis just sighed and zipped up his bag. "Do we have to go through this every single time? We promised your mother we would come visit her, we cannot just call it off on the day of our supposed arrival."

"I know, I know. It's not my mother I'm worried about…" Arthur furrowed his eyebrows, making them look even more caterpillar-like. Francis chuckled at the sight, which earned him a disapproving glare.

"Pardon, lapin, but you look most adorable when you frown." He made his way to the cross Brit and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Honestly, you worry too much. I know you and your brothers aren't on the best terms with each other, but they aren't that bad…"

"Excuse me? Have you even met my brothers? They are the very definition of _that bad_. The last time I saw Allistor was when I had to bail him out of jail, because he urinated in front of a pub after being escorted out of it. And when I say escorted, I mean _literally_ thrown. Connor is the reason one of our sons is familiar with most cuss words in both English _and_ Irish, and the other just pretends not to be. And the only reason Andrew's ever tolerable is because he's drunk half the time! Frankly, I don't even understand why she invited them in the first place!"

"…Okay, you do have a point. But it's only a week, oui? We'll get through it."

Arthur sighed and picked his suitcase off the bed. "I don't think "only" is the best word choice in that situation, but I guess we'll have to. I did promise mum we'd go visit her before the end of the summer, and the boys really do miss her. I would have been a monster, had I said no." Having said that, he started making his way towards the door. "I'm going to start putting things in the car. Would you go check if Alfred and Matthew are ready?" The Frenchman put his own bag on his shoulder and smiled at his husband brightly. "Of course. I'll see you downstairs." Francis paused for a second. "And, Arthur…"

The man in question turned around to look at him as he had already managed to walk half way out of the room. "Yes?"

"Do try to brighten up, mon coeur. It will be easier to face the storm with a smile on your face, non?"

* * *

><p>"Papa, do you think polar bears can handle long car trips? Because I want to take Kuma with me, but I don't want him to get sick or anything…"<p>

Francis smiled at his son and patted his head. "I'm sure he'll be just fine, Matthieu. He is a very special polar bear, after all." Matthew beamed at the response and started gathering his things to take them to the car.

"And what do you want to take with you, Alfred?"

"Psh! I'm too old for that! I don't need toys!" the boy put both his hands on his hips and raised his chin. Francis bit his lower lip not to chuckle.

"Very well. In that case, shall I take your bag to the car?"

Alfred looked briefly at his Superman suitcase, and then at his brother, who was just leaving the room. "Actually… I'd like to pack one more thing…"

His father crossed his arms on his chest with a smirk. "Really? And what might that be?"

"Uh… nothing, just… Okay, if I tell you, do you promise not to tell Mattie?"

"Not a word."

"Fine. I want to take Wally. It's just for the nights, because he's comfortable and fluffy, and definitely not because I get scared or anything. But Mattie can't know, 'cause I'm his older brother, and if he knows I sleep with a plushie he might _think_ that I'm scared, or that I can't protect him from evil guys, but I totally can" he finished with such a solemn look upon his face it took all of Francis' willpower not to burst out laughing. He inwardly congratulated himself for this incredible self-restraint and squatted down to look his son in the eyes. "Of course you can, mon petit héro. But you have to remember, that even the bravest heroes get scared sometimes, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, okay?"

"…'Kay. But you still won't tell Mattie, right?" Alfred looked at him pleadingly.

"Certainly. After all, I did promise."

The nine-year-old sighed in relief, and Francis gave him a kiss on the forehead before getting up. "Now, let's get Wally inside your suitcase, and your suitcase inside the car, alright?" Alfred nodded enthusiastically and got down on his knees to find the stuffed rabbit underneath his bed. Francis made a mental note to inform Arthur of his son's secret fondness for the present he'd given him long ago. It would surely brighten his husbands mood, if only a little bit.

* * *

><p>Arthur checked the car for a thousandth time, muttering to himself all the while. "First-aid kit, bags, water, lunch, petrol, phone, wallet, children… Okay, I think we have everything. Are you ready?"<p>

"Oui."

"Did you close the door?"

"Oui."

"Did you check?"

Francis rolled his eyes. "No, I didn't check, I just closed it."

"Could you go and-"

"Arthur, _please_, can we just go? You've been postponing this long enough. You asked me to prepare lunch, you said you had to hoover before we left, and you made us all brush our teeth, because you claimed we could never know what might happen on the way. We're going to have to leave eventually."

Arthur frowned and turned the key in the ignition. "Fine. But if we get burgled during the next week, it's going to be your fault."

"I am willing to take my chances. Now, boys, are you buckled up?"

"Yes!" both answered in unison.

"Wonderful! Let's get going then, shall we?"

The Brit pulled out of the driveway in silence, as if challenging any of the other occupants of the car to just _try_ and talk to him, but at the same time realising Francis knew him far too well to give him the pleasure of having an excuse to shout at him, and the kids would probably go to sleep pretty fast - the car worked like a cradle on them. Arthur sighed and decided to just focus on the road. It was definitely a better idea than focusing on his lunatic family, waiting for him only a couple of miles away. He heard Francis ask the boys weather they wanted to listen to "Winnie the Pooh" or "The Little Prince" audiobook and smiled faintly. Maybe at least the journey wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

**Soooo, another FACE story - this time a multi chapter (and a slightly planned one, at that). I think I like writing them so much because kid America is basically my little sister if she was a boy.**

**Just to clarify - Allistor is Scotland (because that was the first name for Scotland I've ever encountered, and it kind of stuck to him in my brain), Connor is Northern Ireland (because I like it, and if I'd named him Seamus I might've just as well made him a leprechaun ), and Andrew is Wales (because I've only found Dylan online, and I didn't really like it, so I made it up). If you find any of the names especially off-putting, let me know why, or if you have a better one, and I might change it.**

**The next chapter will probably be uploaded pretty quickly, as I probably won't be getting much sleep tonight (damn you, unfertilised eggs that make my organism all crazy). **

**And yes, we will be meeting the Kirklands in it. Brace yourselves for the chaos.**


	2. Upon Arrival

"So… Are we there yet?"

"No, Alfred, your grandmother astonishingly does not live in a cornfield. Also, there is no such thing as twentieth time lucky, so you can stop asking already. I will let you know when we're there."

Although Matthew was still sound asleep, Alfred has woken up after an hour of peaceful slumber, and was apparently now determined to live up to the name of the most talkative child alive given to him by his PE teacher. Arthur didn't really need any proof of that fact, but with Francis napping, he was worried that he wouldn't really get much choice.

"If we're not there yet, can we stop at a McDonald's?"

"Alfred. Look around. Does it look like we're going to be passing a McDonald's any time soon?"

Alfred pouted. "That's not fair. When we passed one earlier in the city, you said we could maybe stop at one later."

"Yes, I did. That was a polite way of me saying: "no chance in hell". You've been living in the UK for three years now, you should be able to tell."

"But daaaaaad…"

"Honestly, Alfred, I'm driving a car! Do you want us to end up in a ditch? Just go back to sleep!"

"But I'm not sleepy anymore!"

Arthur sighed. "Of course you're not. Well, I don't want to turn the radio on, not to wake your brother up, so you're going to have to take care of yourself for a little while."

"Can't we play twenty questions or something?"

'No, we can't. As I said about thirty seconds ago - I'm driving a car. I'm not going to risk the safety of the three of you over a word game."

The car fell silent for a few minutes, and Arthur let himself relax slightly.

Up until he heard a quiet thump from his left.

"Alfred. Did you just kick your fathers seat?" Arthur asked really slowly.

"Nope."

"Then what was that sound I heard a second ago?"

"Dunno. Maybe a… Moose?"

"A moose?"

"Yeah. Maybe you've hit a moose. You should really be more careful, dad."

The answer was so ridiculous, that Arthur didn't even know how to respond to it. And then he heard another thump, only this time Francis stirred.

"Alfred, stop it this instant!" it was really hard to scold while talking in half-whisper.

"But I'm not doing anything."

Another thump.

"Oh, like hell you aren't!"

And another one.

"Mmm… Qu'est-ce que c'est?"

"Oh, pops, you're awake! Can we play twenty questions?"

Arthur gave Francis an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I did try to stop him, but berating someone whilst trying not to wake someone else up isn't my forte…"

"Oh… No, 's fine. Twenty questions…? Alright, ask away."

"Sweet! Is it alive?"

"Non, nineteen."

* * *

><p>Parking his car in front of his childhood house was a surreal experience for Arthur. Partially because he was doing it for the first time since he turned eighteen, but also because he knew what waited for him inside. Sure, he kept vaguely in touch with his brothers - they were family, after all, but he hadn't seen the three of them at the same time since Allistor moved out.<p>

Which was when Arthur was twelve.

And he wasn't really planning on changing it, until mom told him him it was "so nice that he was coming, because they could have a lovely family meeting!".

Arthur took a deep breath and looked at Francis. "Ready?"

"I think I should be the one asking that question."

"Well, I'm as ready as I'll ever be, so we might as well-"

"Hey, we're there, aren't we?" Alfred exclaimed, turning his attention from Francis' phone, which had been given to him after three games of twenty questions turned out to just not have been enough to entertain him. He didn't wait for an answer, but immediately started shaking his brother awake. "Hey, Matt! Mattieeee! We're there! I mean, here! I mean… Well, wherever we are, we've made it!"

Matthew looked more than slightly confused by the sudden awakening, but he quickly gathered himself and started taking in his surroundings.

"So, this is grandma's house?"

"Yes, love."

"It's really big…"

"Well, it had to contain all six of us at one point." Both Matthew's and Alfred's eyes went wide at that.

"There were six of you!?"

"Including mom, yes. You already know your aunt Erin, and uncle Connor too… unfortunately. But I still have two brothers you haven't met, Allistor and Andrew."

"Are they awesome?" Alfred was getting excited. That wasn't a good sign.

"I'll leave that for you to judge. Now, chop chop - get your things and go say hi to your grandma - I'm sure she's missed you like crazy." Arthur shooed the kids out of the car and gave himself one last moment to breathe before he got out as well. Francis put a reassuring hand on his knee. "It's going to be fine, you'll see. They might be a little… eccentric, but how bad could they act in front of the kids?"

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of…"

* * *

><p>"Grandma! We're here!"<p>

"Oh my! Alfred! Dear God, you've grown! And Matt, there you are! Handsome as ever! And where are your dad's, young men?"

"I think they're on their way, granny." Matthew replied, looking proud that he could help. At that moment the front door opened again and, right on cue, Arthur and Francis walked in.

"There you are!"

Arthur looked at his mother and smiled. She looked well, but also tired. He supposed anyone would be after raising five children in such a short period of time. Anyway, her hair has gone grey faster, than it should've. Or maybe it didn't, maybe he was just expecting her to dye it? The smile on her face, however, was the same smile he remembered from his childhood, the same smile she had given him every time she looked at him. It made his heart melt, and he couldn't help but return it. "Hi, mum."

He was immediately yanked into a warm hug.

"Hi, sweetheart. We should see each other more often, it's been too long."

"Mum, we've seen each other in June, it's only been two moths."

She pulled away and smiled again. "As I said - too long. Gosh, every time I see you, you look more like your father."

"I remember his father. He was a right tosser."

Arthur looked to his right and, sure enough, there was the first Rider of the Apocalypse. He didn't even manage to respond, when he heard the inevitable.

"Daddy, what does it mean, " a right tosser"?"

Here we go. At least there was still something Connor hadn't taught them.

"A right tosser... is someone really good at frisbee, Matthew. My dad liked frisbee a lot."

Alfred frowned slightly, and then looked at the red-headed man who had just joined them, hands on his hips. "And how would you know that?"

"Well, little one, I know that, because Artie's my dear wee brother."

This only caused Alfred's frown to deepen. "But wouldn't that mean that you have the same dad…?"

"Look at us! Do we look like we have the same father!? I sure as hell hope we don't!"

"Al!" Arthur and his mother called at the same time.

"What!?" two equally exasperated voices answered. Once Alfred realise he actually wasn't the "Al" in question, he looked at Allistor disapprovingly.

Arthur sighed for what felt like the millionth time that day and pinched the bridge of his nose. It hasn't even been five minutes, and things were already getting out of hand. "Alfred, would you please start carrying your things from the car? Matthew, same to you. We have to settle you in your room before dinner."

"Sure, dad." Matthew took his brothers hand and lead him back to the car. Bless that boy's ability to read the atmosphere, Arthur thought, before turning back to his brother.

"Okay, I realise you have no idea what self-restraint even is, but those are children, Allistor. My children, at that. Could you at least attempt to control yourself around them? Or just not talk to them at all. That would be preferable, actually."

Mrs. Kirkland sensed her presence would not be of any help in this situation, and probably would only give her a headache, so she swiftly made her move to the kitchen to "put the kettle on".

"Oi, come on, Artie, I'm their uncle! That's no way to treat your nephews!" Allistor smirked at his younger brother in a very unnerving way.

That was the moment Francis chose to remind them, that he was actually still in the room. He stepped away from the front door and made his way up to the Scot.

"I don't believe we've met before. I'm Francis, and, in fact, those are my children as well. I understand that the situation between you and Arthur is… tense, to say the least, but I have to insist that you really do at least try to restrain yourself in front of them."

"Oh, so you're Arthurs boyfriend, aren't you?"

"Husband, actually. Please, Allistor, we came here to spend time with the family, not to argue with them."

Allistor looked very displeased, but he wasn't about to make himself look like the immature one, so he just muttered something under his breath and went back to the living room.

"Thank you, love. I just… never know, how to deal with him. Or any of them, for that matter. They all just make me feel like a twelve-year-old."

"Don't worry, Arthur. Let's just get the boys into their room, eat the dinner and go to bed. Don't forget, we are currently raising two nine-year-olds. I think we can handle three men over thirty."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

**Can they though…?**

**The second chapter wasn't as smooth as the first one, sorry about that. Turns out writing with a throbbing pain in your abdomen isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Also, I have somehow managed to give myself a second-degree burn with a hot water bottle during the night, which is not something I have been able to say until today.**

**Ireland and Wales are coming, I just didn't want to make this chapter too long, and I think I enjoyed writhing the car ride a little too much. Sorry for getting your hopes up.**

**And yeah, Alfred and Allistor have the same nickname. This just kind of happened, but I thought I could have a little fun with it later on. Plus, I think that's why Arthur doesn't really call Alfred "Al" - his memories of the other Al aren't that fond.**

**As always, please let me know what you think!**


	3. Home Sweet Home

Arthur woke up to the smell of blueberry pancakes. It shouldn't have alerted him, but something seemed off about the smell. They smelled delicious, of course, but also sort of… different?

"Good morning, sunshine. It seems your mother is making your favourite pancakes for breakfast."

Ah, mystery revealed. They weren't _Francis'_ pancakes. The Brit turned around to face his husband, who was laying next to him on the much too small bed.

It felt slightly weird to sleep in his sisters bed with Francis, but as it was the only free room (Erin, the lucky bastard, was currently on a business trip in America) he didn't complain. The boys were put in his old room, after it was equipped with an extra mattress, which Alfred heroically took, letting Matthew sleep on the bed. They were both pretty excited about sleeping in "dad's old room", which Arthur found strangely flattering.

"Hey, you. How long have you been creepily watching me sleep?" he heard a familiar chuckle in response and opened his eyes to see Francis leaning on his elbow, smiling at him. "Some time." Arthur smiled as well while trying to rub some sleep off his face. "What time is it?"

"Ten."

His eyes instantly snapped open.

"Ten!? Did Alfred and Matthew die in their sleep? They always come to our bed around seven and torment us until we get up!"

"I assume their grandma found them something to do. Although I did not check, so it is entirely possible that they _are_ dead."

"Well, in that case their bodies are going to have to wait until I've taken a shower. Do you need the bathroom?"

"Non, I'm just going to get dressed and go downstairs, maybe help your mum."

"Very well. If you see our children, check their pulses."

"I will keep that in mind." Francis gave him a quick kiss and disappeared inside the mountain of clothes he had decided to bring with him. Arthur just shook his head at that, grabbed the first thing he found in the suitcase, and went to the bathroom.

* * *

><p>After a very relaxing and very <em>undisturbed<em> shower, Arthur Kirkland was walking down the stairs, wondering if his brothers were even in the house. Being awake for this long and not noticing any trace of their existence was highly unusual.

When he made it to the kitchen, he couldn't help but smile. There was a plate of steaming blueberry pancakes on the table and Francis was making french toast, wearing his mothers pink frilly apron while she was sat at the table laughing, presumably at a joke he had barely missed.

"Hello there, wife" he walked up to Francis and kissed the nape of his neck, making him shiver slightly. "Hi, mum. What's so funny?" he finally sat next to her.

"I was just telling Rose the story of how Alfred and Matthew decided to make us cards for both Father's and Mother's Day, because they couldn't decide which was more appropriate."

"Oh, about that - did you find out what horrible disease took their lives?"

"Weed."

Arthur raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

"They are de-weeding the garden. Arthur, eat your pancakes s'il vous plaît, the toast are almost ready, and there is nothing worse than cold french toast."

At that moment a loud swear could be heard at the door and an orange-haired short man walked into the kitchen and loudly sat down.

"For Christs sake, Arthur, I thought you moved out already!"

Arthur gave him a long look, obviously not amused. "Good morning, Connor. Yes, actually, I did. This is just called a family holiday. You might not be familiar with the concept, because it actually requires people to spend quality time together without being twits towards each other."

"Oi, I'm all about quality time! Remember how I used to drive you to school when I got a license?"

"Yes, and stick post-it notes that said "gobdaw" on my back! Did you know it actually took me a full month to realise?"

"Yeah, I was hoping it would…. How long did it take your mates to figure out what it meant?"

The Brit frowned. "They didn't. They just started calling me that, because they claimed it sounded fun." He shoved a pancake into his mouth a little more violently than necessary. "Anyway, I assume that the reason you didn't grace us with your presence yesterday was because you were drinking? Presumably with Andrew?"

"Good guess,Artie, who knew you could be so sharp? I guess Drew is still asleep, though."

The almost-but -clearly-not-pleasant conversation was suddenly interrupted by Francis putting a plate in the middle of the table. "Bon appétit! I made some extra for you as well, Connor."

"Oh, hello, Franny! You're actually still with that wanker?"

"Astonishingly, yes. We're married, we have two kids, and we just bought a house in Brighton. I think you can stop asking me that every time you see me, It's pretty safe to assume neither of us is planning any changes as to our relationship status." Francis was smiling, but it was obvious he was slightly annoyed at his brother-in-law. He knew perfectly well those remarks were ridiculous, and he didn't care much about them himself. What worried him was that Arthur might take them to heart. He knew his husband wasn't overly fond of showing emotions, but for the same reason he often took things personally, and rarely let anyone know he did. Francis sighed and put a hand on Arthur's shoulder. "I'm going to go see how the boys are doing, lapin. Come find me in the garden when you're done, okay?"

He was vaguely aware of Connor rolling his eyes at the pet name he used, but he was already halfway out the door, so he decided to let it slide.

* * *

><p>Alfred and Matthew were taking a lemonade break from the de-weeding, and were currently sat on a blanket they brought with them, each with a glass and a cookie in hand.<p>

"Y'know what, Matt? De-weeding a garden is kind of a heroic work, too. Because we're, like, saving the lives of the flowers." Matthew didn't look convinced.

"Yeah, but aren't we killing the weeds? Why are the flowers better than the weeds?"

Alfred furrowed his eyebrows, obviously thinking. "I dunno. But if grandma told us to get rid of them, then they have to be worse. Maybe they're like the bad guys in my comic books?"

"I'm not sure, Alfred. Let's just finish this, and maybe then dad or papa will play with us, okay?"

"Yeah, good idea."

At that moment they saw a tall, mysterious figure emerge from the house, mutter something inaudible and light a cigarette. Matthew looked at Alfred, obviously scared. "Do you think it's that other uncle?" he whispered. "I don't know." Alfred whispered back and then stood up; wether to show his brother he wasn't scared, or to actually talk to the man - he wasn't sure. Unfortunately, it turned out he didn't really get the chance to do any of those things, because the second he started getting up, the man noticed him and sort of shout-muttered, making him cower back again.

"Oi, you two! What do you think you're doing here?"

"Um… De-weeding..?" Matthew answered hesitantly.

"What!? Did mom send you here?"

"Grandma did" Alfred tried to sound as sure of himself as we possibly could, but he wasn't sure how well it went.

The man looked confused for a while, but suddenly he seemed to have understood the situation.

"Mmm, you're Arthur's kid's, aren't ya?" he took a drag of his cigarette. "Ya don't look like him at all."

None of them said anything for a long while after that. Finally Matthew couldn't hold back any longer.

"Dad and papa say it's very bad to smoke. And that we should never ever smoke anything. Ever."

The weird man chuckled at that. "Well, I don't know about the other one, but Artie's definitely being a hypocrite with this one."

"What's a hippo-crypt?" Alfred asked curiously, now less scared of the man, as he apparently didn't want to kill either of them. The smoking man smiled at him a little weirdly and said "Ask your dad. Ask him what a hypocrite is, and what it has to do with him forbidding you from ever smoking anything."

The man extinguished the cigarette in a cup and turned to head back inside the house, but the door opened before he could even touch the doorknob.

"Oh! I'm sorry. You must be Andrew, right?"

The man nodded his head.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Francis."

No reply.

"Arthur's husband."

Still nothing.

"Their father" he added, pointing at his children.

"Good luck, mate. You're going to have a fun conversation with them today. I wouldn't worry too much, though, Arthur's going to have it much worse than you." And with that he was gone. Francis gave his kids a questioning look, but they were already running up to him, Alfred evidently excited.

"Papa, where's dad? I need to ask him what a hippo-crypt is! The smoking guy said he was one!"

_Oh._

Well, at this rate, someone was definitely going to get hurt during the next seven days.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

**And here you go - Connor and Andrew are actually alive. Connor is the youngest of the three, so I made him kind of a joker, who talks a lot and just generally thinks he's amazing. Andrew is more of a silent, grumpy, mischievous type. He's a smoker, because, you know, Wales, dragons, all that… And, yeah, I think it's pretty obvious I don't know anything about welsh accent. And not much more about the irish one. Sorry.**

**Oh, and Erin is Ireland (as in the Republic of Ireland). I was wondering whether to put her in or not, but I figured all the British Isles should be related, it would've been weird if they weren't.**

**Please, tell me what you think of the story so far! Reviews make ma happy inside, and also make want to write more!**


	4. Crossing The Line

"A... hippo-crypt?" Arthur Kirkland gave both his sons a bewildered look over his cup of morning tea.

"Yeah! That's what the man with the cigarette said! He said it had to do with you telling me and Matt not to smoke."

The Brit visibly paled. Oh, the sodding git… "So, I see you've met your uncle Andrew, have you?" he took a sip of his tea and cleared his throat. "First of all, it's not "me and Matt", it's "Matt and I", Alfred." Alfred just looked confused as to the point of this lecture. Arthur sighed. "Secondly, I want you to listen very carefully to what I'm about to say. Sometimes, people make mistakes. Mistakes they regret later on. And when they realise those mistakes, they try to protect other people from making them. Therefore, even if they've done something bad before, it doesn't mean they don't have the right to tell you not to do it yourselves. Do you understand that?"

Alfred looked even more confused than he did before. "What does that have to do with hippos?"

"Nothing, Alfred, because the word your uncle used was _not _hippo-crypt. It was _hypocrite, _and it means a person who says one thing and does another. Or someone, who tells others to do things they don't do themselves… and vice versa."

"So… it's like on opposite day?"

Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. What exactly did he get himself into? Scratch that, what did _his brother_ get him into? "No. Let me give you an example. Imagine someone, who… doesn't brush their teeth, but tells everyone else, that they have to. That would be a hypocrite."

Alfred thought about it for a second. "That's kind of like Miss Grey in kindergarten. She always told us to brush our teeth, but I haven't seen her brushing hers even once."

"Well, I'm sure she brushed them at home, love."

"Daddy, does this mean you told us to do something you didn't do?" Matthew, who has been chewing his lip the past two minutes suddenly chipped into the conversation. Arthur sighed. This moment was inevitable. He put down the cup and looked at his kids. "No, Matthew, rather the opposite. What your uncle meant was that there was a… brief period in my life, when I did a lot of stupid things, and smoking was one of them." the boys gasped.

"But you told us to never ever ever smoke ever!" Alfred exclaimed, shocked.

"Yes, and I still stand by that. Just because I did something, doesn't mean that it can't be wrong, okay? I've experienced how bad for your health smoking actually is, and I would like to share that knowledge with you. It's really, really bad. So please, boys, don't do it."

Alfred looked very sceptical, and Matthew just kept looking at the floor.

"Your father is right, you know?" All three of them looked up to see Francis standing in the doorway, smiling. "We all make mistakes, as I'm sure you two are going to make your own. But, as we are a lot older, and your parents, we are bound to try to protect you from the mistakes we have once made. Because we love you. Do you understand?" Both boys nodded their heads. "Good. Now, run along, I believe you haven't finished your work in the garden, have you?"

Arthur gave his husband a thankful look as both his kids made their way to the garden. "I swear to God, one of these days I'm going to kill all of those idiots." He raised his teacup up again and took a sip of his English Breakfast.

"Don't be ridiculous. I cannot have you thrown in jail and leaving me with two children all on my own." Francis smiled at him as he took the seat opposite to Arthur. "Where did your mother go?"

"Presumably to wake Allistor." He sighed and took another sip. "He might be nearly forty, but he still requires all the attention a ten year old would need."

"In that case, perhaps we could have a moment to ourselves."

Arthur nearly choked on his tea at that. "Don't be ridiculous, we're at my mothers house, with our children, and it's the middle of the day! Can't you contain your perverseness even for a couple of hours?"

The Frenchman chuckled and leaned back in his chair. "I was simply suggesting taking a walk… It is not my fault you have a dirty mind, cher."

Arthur turned a delightful shade of red, just as Francis had expected, muttered something inaudible (although strangely similar to "stupid git"), took another sip of tea, and only then responded with "Fine, we can go for a walk for all I care."

* * *

><p>"Gandma! We're done saving the flowers from evil weeds!" Alfred ran inside the house, smeared with dirt, but appearing very happy. Matthew followed close behind, slightly less muddy, and slightly more apprehensive. "Grandma?" Still no response.<p>

"Al, I'm going to go to the bathroom, okay? Kuma got a bit dirty, I have to clean him up."

"But we were supposed to play! I was gonna be a cowboy, and you we gonna be an Indian and all…"

"We're still going to do that, I just have to give Kuma a bath. I won't be long, I promise." Alfred gave his brother the biggest pout, but Matthew was used to that. "Come on, Al, you can start without me! I'll be right back!" and with that the younger twin ran up the stairs, dragging the polar bear behind him.

Great. What was he supposed to do now? Playing on your own isn't fun at all. Alfred put his hands in his pockets and started walking around the house to find something to do. It wasn't long before he wandered into a space slightly resembling a drawing room. It had a fire place, a sofa ant two armchairs. What got the boy's attention was not, however the decor - it was the person occupying one of the armchairs and taking a swig from the tumbler in his hand. Alfred narrowed his eyes and looked at the man. "You're the weird man from yesterday." The man turned his head and, as soon as he realised who had disturbed him, smirked dauntingly.

"Hey there, little man. Where is the rest of the freak family, huh?"

"Hey! We're not a freak family! We're awesome!"

Allistor only chuckled and took another sip of something that looked a little bit like apple juice, but Alfred was fairly sure was _not _apple juice. After a moment of silence the boy decided to speak again.

"Why does dad call you Al? He never calls me Al… He just calls me Alfred. Or Alfred Franklin, if he's really mad…"

The Scot's smirk got even wider, as he spotted an opportunity and decided to seize it. "You see" he started, swirling his drink "it's because your dad really loves me. I'm his brother, so, to prove his love, he has a pet name for me. People who care about other people give them pet names."

Alfred seemed sceptical. "He didn't seem to love you very much yesterday."

"He was just a bit angry. Doesn't your dad ever get angry at your other dad?"

He just nodded.

"But he still loves him, doesn't he?"

He nodded again.

"And do your fathers have pet names for each other?"

"Well… papa calls dad some weird french thing. And dad sometimes calls papa a frog, I guess…"

"There you go. Does your dad have a pet name for you?"

Alfred frowned. "He calls me "love" sometimes… But he calls papa and Mattie "love" too…"

"Hm…" Allistor scratched his chin trying to conceal his smirk. "I guess he doesn't love you, then." He watched with amusement as the boy's eyes got wide with shock.

"But… But he said…"

"Oh, he just probably doesn't want you to feel bad about it. But, believe me, if he really loved you, he would call you Al, like he does me." He took another swig to mask a chuckle making it's way out. "Now, don't you have something better to do, other than bothering an old man? Run along, wean. Go play with something."

Alfred backed out of the room, visibly distressed. Dad didn't… love him? But why? Okay, he was a tad annoying and hyperactive sometimes, but was that enough to stop loving him?

Maybe he never loved him. Maybe his uncle was right, maybe he just didn't want him to feel bad. Maybe nobody in this family really loved him. He felt he was starting to panic. Where was his brother? Surely he loved him, didn't he…?

"Maaaaaaatt?" he shouted, running up the stairs.

* * *

><p>The afternoon was very nice as Arthur and Francis made their way back to the house.<p>

"I'll admit, the walk was quite pleasant. Aside from the part when you tried to persuade me to make out whilst laying in the grass." Arthur gave his husband a scolding look, but didn't let go of his hand.

"You just don't appreciate how romantic that would be, lapin."

"I think you'll find it's pronounced "idiotic". I know english is not your first language, but do try to get those tricky words right." he looked at Francis with a smug expression. The latter just chuckled and squeezed Arthurs hand. "Whatever you say, cher."

They kept on strolling lazily, until they made their way to the driveway.

And were met with a panicked Matthew running in their direction.

"Daaaad! Papa!"

Both man froze for a moment, looked at each other and started running to meet their son.

"Matthew! What's wrong, did something happen?" Arthur squatted down and grabbed the boy's shoulders, perhaps a little too tightly.

"It's Alfred! He came to the bathroom, and then started crying, and I didn't know what to do, and then Grandma came, but he just kept on crying, and he said something about you, but I'm not sure what, because he was crying, and I… I…" Matthew was out of berth from the running and the stammering, so he just started panting and never finished his sentence. Francis patted his head soothingly and took his hand, while Arthur frantically ran to the house. Was Alfred hurt? Was he getting sick? He made his way up the stairs and to his old bedroom, where he found his mother desperately trying to soothe his son.

"Alfred, what happened? Are you hurt?"

Alfred kept on crying, tears dripping from his chin. "Whyyyy don't you looove me, daaaaad?" he wailed, looking so sad Arthur's heart broke. He stood there for a fraction of a second, dumbfounded.

"What? What on Earth gave you that idea?" Arthur kneeled in front of the bed his son was sitting on. Alfred tried his best to contain his sniffling and looked at his father with red eyes.

"Uncle told me that you call him Al, because you love him, and that people have pet names for people they love, like you and papa, but you don't have a pet name form me. And you never call me Al, so you don't love me, you just pretend you do so I don't feel bad, right?"

If Arthur thought he was dumbfounded a moment ago, it was nothing compared to how shocked and confused he felt now. "Wha… That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Of _course_ I love you! Both you and Matthew are my children, and I love you senseless! Don't you ever think otherwise, alright? Even now it breaks my heart to see you so sad, and because of a stupid _joke_ one of your _moronic_ uncles decided to pull!"

Alfred's sniffles subsided slightly as he looked at his dad. "So… you don't not love me?" he asked hopefully. Arthur chuckled and wiped some of the tears staining the boy's creek with his thumb. "No, I very much don't not love you. You shouldn't go listening to such idiots as your uncle Allistor. I call him Al, because that's what all of the others call him, it's just convenient. And I don't call you Al, because it's his nickname, and you're very special to me. I don't want to call you the same thing I call someone else. If you want to, we could make up a nickname for you right now."

"Yeah, that'd be cool, like a secret codename! Like, maybe… The Smasher!"

That managed to get a hefty laugh out of Arthur. "How about we stick to the more conventional end of the spectrum? For example, what do you say about "Alfie"? I wouldn't call you that all the time, but it would be for special occasions, okay?" Alfred smiled and nodded. "I like that."

"Great. Now, go wash that face of yours, you look like you've been attacked by a swarm of crazy flying onions!"

"I'll go with you, sweetheart" his grandmother chipped in, getting up from the desk chair she's been sitting on. Right as they were both leaving the room, Francis and Matthew made their way inside. "What is it, lapin? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I think the crisis has been averted. Matthew, can you go to your brother and grandma?" the boy nodded, and soon both men were left alone. Francis gave Arthur a questioning look, as the latter frowned deeply the moment their son left. "What's wrong?"

"This… This just crossed the line. I can take them picking on me, making fun of me, it's all fine, I'm used to it. But getting a _child_ involved, and feeding him some moronic nonsense that I don't _love_ him… He was heartbroken when I got here! He was crying his eyes out, all because of a stupid prank Allistor pulled! I am _not_ going to stand for this! They had no right messing with our children!"

By that time Francis was frowning as well "Mon dieu, some brothers you have… But you are right. This is unacceptable, I will not let anyone hurt my children, even if they are a part of the family."

"Exactly. We have to go to them right now and tell them not to talk to our kids. Preferably, ever again." Arthur added with a scowl. And then he noticed the strange glint in his husband's eye.

"Or, we could…"

"Oh no. I can see what you're thinking, Francis! That's the _last_ thing we need!"

"But it's a really good idea! I'm telling you, cher; those bastards need a taste of their own medicine. Besides, if they come we'll have two babysitters on our hands!"

"Sure, the worst babysitters on the planet… Also, we don't have enough room in the house! Ha! You cannot beat that!"

Francis smirked playfully. "Arthur, I'm sure they can put up a tent in the garden. Come on, lapin, it's a _good_ idea. I know you're not overly fond of them-"

"Now, that's an understatement…"

"-but they really are our best option." the Frenchman finished with a smile. Arthur sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine. Go call them. But I'm warning you right now, if I commit any murders during this week, it's entirely your fault."

Francis smile , taking out his mobile and walking out of the room. "I'll make sure to say that to the police" he threw over his shoulder with a smile, before dialling a number and walking down the stairs and into the garden. After several signals he was finally greeted by the voice he was waiting to hear. "Whazaaaaaa!?"

"Hello, Gilbert. I'm on a family holiday, but we've… had some complications. How quickly can you get Toni and come to Devon?"

"Well, with me being awesome and all, we could probably get there by tomorrow afternoon. What's happened?"

"Oh, we just have some family members who didn't realise you shouldn't mess with Francis Bonnefoy, is all."

"Sure, I get it. Well, tell them to brace themselves, 'cause the awesome is coming!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

**Wow, that's a long chapter! **

**I haven't updated this one for a while, sorry about that. My flatmate just moved in and everything has beed bat-shit crazy lately. Plus I only got around to actually getting an internet connection in my flat. But it's here now!**

**Oh yeah, the Bad Touch Trio - they just sort of crept into this story, I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, it happens sometimes.**

**This chapter is generally pretty chaotic, I think, but I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless. As always, tell me what you think about it, pretty please…? I really like interacting with people. Reviews are da bomb! Or something. Just talk to me, 'kay?**


	5. Hopefully Helpfully

"Arthur, stop looking so grumpy. They are not coming to make _your_ life any harder."

"I know, I just don't think it's such a good idea."

"And the déjà vu continues."

"Oh, sod off, the last time I've said that was when we were about to come here, and how well has that worked out for you?"

"Touché. Well, no need to worry, I am perfectly capable of keeping them in check, should anything happen."

Arthur just gave his husband a disbelieving look. They were currently on their way to the train station in Paignton, as neither Gilbert nor Antonio owned a car. It was a sunny afternoon, a couple of minutes past two, to be exact. Francis was driving this time, as Arthur was clearly too distressed with the perspective of spending the remains of the week not only with his insufferable brothers, but also with his husbands insufferable friends. Alright, maybe they were coming to actually help him deal with his insufferable brothers, but it was definitely not a dream situation.

"At least call them and make sure they'll be there on time. I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out they had taken the wrong train and ended up in Gloucester or something."

Francis shook his head with a smile and put an earpiece on. "Dial the number, then. I wouldn't want you to get hurt simply because you're scared to talk to a University friend over the phone" he said, smirking.

"They're not my University friends - they're _your_ University friends. If they're my University anything, they're my University boyfriend's very annoying roommates. Do you want to call Gilbert or Antonio?"

"Gilbert, Antonio is too absentminded to actually pick up his phone. And stop being such a grump, cher. It's all going to be just fine, you'll see." they spent the next couple of seconds in silence, until Gilbert picked up his phone.

"Hello, this is Awesome speaking?"

"Gilbert, ever so modest I see. We're on our way to Paignton right now. How long until your train arrives?"

"How am I supposed to know? All I can see from the window are fields! And you're still on your way? How far_ is_ this place?"

"Well, we wouldn't have to drive for forty minutes to pick them up, had they just taken the train that stops in Totnes" Arthur mumbled, overhearing the conversation. Francis rolled his eyes and focused back on the phone call. "What was the last station, then?"

"Uh… Something to do with gravity and church, I think…"

It was Arthurs turn to roll his eyes. "Newton Abbot. They'll be there in fifteen minutes." The Frenchman nodded. "Perfect, well be waiting on the platform. Try not to cause any mayhem until then, d'accord?"

"Mayhem? I don't even know what mayhem is. Toni, do you know what mayhem is?" there was a short silence, during which Antonio presumably shook his head. "See?"

"Actually, I don't, Gil. Just get to Paignton in one piece."

"Will do, boss. See ya in a few." Francis hung up and was met with another disapproving look from Arthur. "They really are idiots, aren't they?"

"They're not idiots, Arthur, they're just… unique. And they happen to be my be my best friends, so stop trash-talking them all the time."

"Fine, fine. Let's just get to Paignton before they tear the place apart."

The train station in Paignton was a small one, so Francis and Arthur didn't need much time to find the platform they were supposed to be waiting on. They still had a couple of minutes left before the train arrived, so they sat on the bench and watched people walk through the station. Nobody was in a rush and everything seemed slow and quiet.

Not for long, though.

"Franny!" a cannonball of black, white and red, which quickly turned out to be an albino dressed in a black shirt, came out of nowhere and suddenly landed on Francis' lap. "We've been looking for you for ages! They changed the platform, y'know?" Gilbert exclaimed, hugging his friend.

"There are only two platforms here, how long could you have possibly been looking for us?" Arthur threw in, but was ignored, as in that moment Antonio threw his arms around both his friends and sighed contently "I've missed hanging out with you, amigos! We used to have so much fun together!"

"Oui, we did. I've missed you as well. How was the trip?"

"Boooooriiiiing. Seriously, how long can it take to get from London to Devon!?"

"Three hours, apparently. Okay folks, this is very nice and all, but I really think we ought to get going." Arthur seemed to be getting impatient. Gilbert beamed at him from, embracing Francis. "Jealous much?"

"Hardly, I honestly doubt I have a reason to be jealous of you, of all people. I just don't exactly like the idea of the boys being around a bunch of psychopaths, protected only by my mother, for any longer than necessary."

"Fine, fine, let's get to the car then, Mr. hoity-toity" Gilbert smirked, finally getting off of Francis and allowing them to start their walk to the parking lot. "Anyway, what's the name of the place your mum lives in?"

"It's Cornworthy."

The albino couldn't help but chuckle. "And is it indeed corn worthy?" Arthur just rolled his eyes, but his husband joined in on the chuckle. "Oh, you have no idea! It's more corn worthy than you could possibly imagine. I believe only the corn from Cornworthy could feed the entire population of England, if not Scotland, Wales and Ireland as well!"

"Oh, why don't you shut up and get in the bloody car?" The Brit was clearly not amused as he opened the back doors for their guests. Gilbert just jumped in, cackling, but Antonio stopped for a moment and put his hand on Arthurs shoulder. "Oh, don't be mad, Arthur! It's just a joke, vale? We are here to help you, after all." Arthur sighed, but gave him a small smile nonetheless. "Yes, yes, I know. I'm just a bit jumpy lately, don't worry about me. Not that you would anyway." He added that last part _after_ he closed the car door, though. After that he opened his own, passenger door and got in, hoping to God the trip would be quick and painless.

"Oh Gott, it has a website!"

"What?"

"Cornworthy! It has it's own website! What is… Holy fuck. Please tell me you have a copy of the "cheeky pet calendar" at home!"

And there were his hopes. Torn apart and left in shambles.

* * *

><p>"Ay, this is a very nice house!"<p>

"Um… Thanks, Antonio." The four man had just arrived back to the house, and Antonio was obviously quite taken with it.

"You're welcome. And, as far as I can tell, it has a kitchen garden, si?"

"Yes, both vegetable and fruit, and there are flower beds as well."

"Fantástico! Me and your mamá are going to have plenty to talk about!"

Arthur looked a bit taken aback, as the Spaniard started walking briskly towards the house, quickly followed by his German friend.

"Antonio grew up in a farmer family" Francis offered. "He is very fond of all vegetables and fruits. Particularly tomatoes, although I'm not sure why."

"Oh, right, I guess that explains why he was the only one _not_ making fun of the corn" he gave his husband a scolding look, but only got a smile in return.

"Come on, lapin, nobody meant any offence to your wonderful hometown!"

"Whatever, frog" he replied, but not without a fond smile of his own. "Let's get to the house, before…"

"UNCLE GIL! UNCLE TONIO!"

"…Ah, too late. They're already hyperactive."

By the time Arthur and Francis have reached the house, each of their new companions had an armful of a nine-year-old.

"Uncle Gil, can you say that funny thing again, please?"

"Haifischschwanzflossenfleischsuppe" Gilbert answered, chuckling and booping Matthews nose, causing him to giggle.

"That's _so_ not a word!" Alfred protested, switching his attention from Antonio's earring, which he's apparently never seen before (Arthur's doing, he always made the Spaniard take it out before seeing his kids).

"Of course it is!"

"What does it mean, then?" the boy smiled triumphantly.

"A shark tail fin meat soup" the German replied with a grin. Alfred frowned and repeated the five words under his breath, only much slower, hoping it would cause them to make sense, while Antonio put him back down.

"Great, we're all getting along. And where's grandma?"

"In the kitchen, baking chocolate chip cookies!" Alfred exclaimed, forgetting his fishy problem.

"Why don't we-" Francis began, but was cut by a loud noise coming from one of the bedrooms. Everyone looked for the source of the noise and, sure enough, a few seconds later, a silhouette descended the stairs, looking very disheveled.

"What is all that noise for!? Shut tha fuck up, people!"

"Hey! Watch your mouth, there are children around here!"

Allistor looked up, startler by the comeback, as Arthur usually either resorted to sarcasm, or tried to pretend swear words were not actually swear words, so that his kids wouldn't pick them up. His surprise was only bigger, when he realised the comeback did not actually come from his brother. But Allistor's bemusement was nothing compared to everyone else's, when they realised that the one who just scolded the Scot for swearing was _Gilbert_.

"Who tha fuck are you!?"

"Okay, here's the deal, dud. Either you stop it, or I'm going to have to shut your mouth with some duct tape, verstanden?"

"Oi, this is my bleedin' house! Who tha fuck do ya think ya are?"

Gilbert sighed, put Matthew down and gave him a serious look. "Birdie, can you and your brother go play somewhere for a while?" the boy nodded, sensing the seriousness of the situation, and practically dragged Alfred out of the room, as the latter was very reluctant to leave for the "interesting part".

"Listen" Gilbert started again, looking at Allistor. "I don't like you. Kinda because your hair is a ridiculously intensive colour, but mostly because you're a dick. And neither me, nor Antonio here care about you, Artie's mum, even though I'm sure she's lovely, or anyone else in this corn factory of a town liking us. Which means your happy days are over, punk."

Antonio chuckled at that little speech and grinned at his friend. "You just called someone a punk. I should've recorded that!" Gilbert returned the grin. "Yeah, I've always wanted to say that. Makes me sound mature, doesn't it?" Antonio rolled his eyes at.

Allistor just kept on staring at the two. "Yer both crazy" he muttered eventually.

"Yeah, we kind of are, aren't we, Gil?" the Spaniard winked at his albino friend, earning another chuckle. "Well, I don't know about you, but I sure as hell am crazy about chocolate chip cookies, so I'm gonna go introduce myself to Mrs. Kirkland. Last one there is a rotten egg!"

"Hey, no fair, you got a head start!" and with that both Gilbert and Antonio ran to the kitchen.

This left the three man standing in the hall. One of them still wearing pyjamas and frowning intensely, one with his jaw dangerously close to the floor, and one trying desperately to contain his urge to laugh at the former two.

Arthur slowly closed his mouth and blinked a couple of times, before turning around and following his husband's best friends. Maybe inviting the two wasn't such a bad idea after all? Having them on his side for once did feel pretty good, he had to admit that. And seeing Gilbert talk back to Allistor was quite satisfying. Astonishingly, having those maniacs here might actually help him get his brothers off his case. Permanently, even, if he was lucky. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and a pair of lips whispering into his ear.

"Je te l'avais dit."

His basic knowledge of french let him understand the phrase, and he rolled his eyes. Yes, he supposed Francis _did_ tell him so.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

**Sooo, Gil and Antonio are here! **

**I feel like this was a chapter that contained very little action, for which I'm sorry, I hope I didn't bore you too much! **

**I hope the foreign words I used aren't confusing - if you don't understand something, tell me and I'll update the translations here. The only ones I guess could be confusing if you've never had any contact with either german of spanish are verstanden (understood) and vale (okay), but I feel like the rest are pretty obvious (or translated inside the story).**

**On a different note - I did my research for this one! Cornworthy is an actual village in Devon. And they do have a website. I was very excited to discover the "cheeky pet calendar", but very disappointed to discover it was still in the making. All the distances, timetables, platforms, and so on should be accurate as well. I get a little OCD with things like that…**

**Also, someone asked me if Ireland would be making an appearance. I'm not sure yet, sweet anonym, but it's entirely possible. And I do agree that she would be the only rational one of the Kirklands (including Arthur, he is quite ridiculous at times).**

**Ok, too long don't read, brace yourselves for cookies and probably some more drama. And review, always review, pretty pretty please with cherries on top!**


	6. The Madness Continues

"Why did nobody tell us there were cookies!? I bet it was because uncle Gil wanted to eat them all! You're such a meanie!" Alfred actually looked close to tears. Gilbert only chuckled and stuck out his tongue, devouring another cookie.

"Don't worry, Alfred, there's plenty left, I baked enough to feed a platoon!" his grandma smiled at him, offering him a plate.

"Yaaay! Thanks, Grandma!" Alfred grabbed the plate and ran out of the kitchen, presumably to continue playing with his brother, as there was a high probability that he left him tied to a tree somewhere.

A small smile spread across Francis' face. Everything has been going smoothly so far - both Gilbert and Antonio had been welcomed by their host, and received countless apologies for not getting a proper bed to sleep in. They shrugged it off, assuring Arthur's mother they'd be perfectly fine, and just kept on stuffing their mouths with cookies. Allistor disappeared somewhere after their first encounter and hadn't been seen since, which was a good sign (or not, but for as long as he wasn't there, it was a reason to relax, at least for a moment.). No one really knew where the other two menaces were, but no one bothered wondering too much either.

"So, Arthur, what's the deal with you and your brothers anyway?" Antonio asked suddenly, after swallowing a particularly large mouthful of chocolate chip cookies. Arthur frowned slightly and crossed his arms on his chest.

"It's probably a combination of factors. First of all, I am the youngest, which is always a good reason to make my life a misery according to them. But I think the main reason is my last name."

He received a few surprised looks and something that was presumably supposed to be a "Why?", but came out more like a "Huyyy?" due to Gilbert's mouth being otherwise occupied.

"Well, both mine and my mom's name is Kirkland, because that was my dad's last name. But all of the others have_ their_ fathers last names. I guess they hated that I was the only one sharing a name with mom, and that their names weren't recognised by a lot of people. They were 'the Kirkland kids', even though they weren't."

"So… The Kirklands aren't really the Kirklands?" Gilbert asked, slightly confused and looked questioningly at Arthur's mother. "Is that right, Mrs. K?"

"Well, it's sort of a complicated story… But essentially yes, dear, it is right." Gilbert frowned slightly at being called "dear", but otherwise made no comment about it, as he could sense a story, so he just made himself comfortable on the chair and stuffed another cookie in his mouth, raising his eyebrows expectantly. "You see, I've met Al's father a long time ago. Our relationship was very… intensive, but short." she seemed not to notice Gilbert's smirk and Arthur's blush that followed. "He left us shortly after Allistor was born. Didn't like the responsibility, I guess. I don't think Al has ever truly gotten over it. Then came Drew's dad. He was a good man. He died when Andrew was one. Lung cancer." everyone stopped chewing and looked at Arthur's mother with different levels of surprise and sadness in their eyes. "Erin and Connor actually have the same father. It was a short marriage, but we were fairly happy together. After four years we just decided it wasn't working anymore. He still gets in touch every now and then, but he has his own family up in the north, so it's rather sporadic. And, of course, Artie's dad" Mrs. Kirkland gave her youngest a fond smile. "Oh, I was crazy about that man. But he did have a tendency to keep his head up in the clouds… He was hit by a car when Artie was ten. I suppose he probably wasn't looking where he was going, he did that a lot." she sighed, but not without a small smile at the memory of her late husband.

Francis squeezed Arthur's palm under the table and stood up to put a reassuring hand on Mrs. Kirkland's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Rose. I hate that you had to go through so much."

"Oh, it's quite alright, dearie." she put her hand on top of his and offered him a smile. "Life is hard, sometimes. But it can also bring us the most wonderful gifts" she added, squeezing his palm gently and looking briefly at Arthur, which caused him to turn pink. Everyone remained quiet for a moment, until Antonio decided it was the right moment to ask the question that's been nagging at his mind the entire time.

"So, Mrs. Kirkland..."

"Oh, please, call me Rose!"

"Thank you" he gave her one of his signature grins. "Rose, tell me… do you grow any tomatoes in that garden?"

"Oh, certainly!" she beamed, and got up from her chair. "Would you like to see?"

"Ay, si, muchisimo!"

He offered her his arm, which made her giggle like a schoolgirl (much to Arthur's distaste) and they made their way to the garden.

* * *

><p>Gilbert wasn't sure how it happened. It was late in the evening and he decided to go pee before joining Toni in their tent, which was set up in the garden. One moment he was walking up the stairs and suddenly the next thing he knew, he was waking up in an armchair. What the hell? Did he actually fall asleep on his way to the bathroom? And why did his head hurt so much? He tried to get up and immediately sat back down due to the dizziness that suddenly hit him. "What the…"<p>

"Ah, you're awake. Good."

His eyes snapped back open, and he saw two men staring at him from beside the fireplace. He blinked rapidly, trying to make sense of the situation. One of the man was definitely Allistor, the other one he didn't recognise, but he assumed it was the second oldest.

"Did you… drug me?" he asked with disbelief. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, a little chloroform never killed nobody" the Scot smiled him devilishly.

"Mein Gott… Artie was right. You actually _are_ psychopaths!"

Andrew rolled his eyes at the albino. "If it makes you feel any better, I was dragged here against my will as well. Apparently Al wants to discuss somethin'."

"Yeah, I do. What the hell are ya doing here?"

Gilbert stared at him for a second, not comprehending. "What!?"

"Ya heard me. Why did ya come here? You're not really friends with Artie, that much is obvious, so why?"

The situation was so absurd, that Gilbert spent a couple of seconds just opening and closing his mouth. Finally his voice came back to him and he exclaimed "You had to _kidnap_ me to ask me that? Couldn't you just, I dunno, _asked_?"

"Nah, boring. Now, answer the question."

"Francis is one of my best friends. He asked me to come. I came." he replied indifferently.

"Ah, but why did he ask you to come?"

The albino was clearly loosing his temper. "Because you're bonkers! I mean, pranks are fine, teasing is fine, but there are things you just _don't do_! And if you knew me, you'd know that hearing this from me means it's seriously bad! Like, really bad!"

Allistor smirked and turned to face his brother. "See, Drew? Told ya. Artie couldn't handle his bros, so he called for backup. Pathetic."

"Great. Can I go now? I really don't give a fuck, Al." Andrew didn't look invested at all.

"This is not about Arthur, you psycho!" Gilbert exclaimed, still not quite believing the ridiculousness of the situation. "It's about Alfred and Mattie. They're just kids. It's not funny messing with children!"

"Yeah it is" Allistor replied simply.

"Not when it ends up with one of them thinking his dad doesn't love him. That's just cruel, dude."

"Well boo fucking hoo." The Scot suddenly looked really pissed for some reason. "Life's cruel. I'm just giving them the benefit of learning that early. It's a favour, really."

The albino finally felt his legs starting to work again, so he stood up abruptly and started shakily making his way towards the door. "Whatever, man. I'm not arguing with a mental person. Just stay away from the kids."

"Aw, how sweet of you" Allistor chuckled. Gilbert just sent him a death glare and slammed the door behind him.

* * *

><p>Toni was laying in his sleeping bag and just listening to the sounds of the village at night. It was peaceful (especially with Gilbert temporarily gone), and so he started drifting off to sleep quite quickly. Dreams of sweet tomatoes and a very cute Italian had already started creeping into his brain, when he felt a weight on his thighs. "Gil? What are you doing, I was almost asleep…"<p>

"Rite sir!"

Antonio blinked the sleep away rapidly. That was definitely not Gilbert. "And who are you?" he asked, more curious than scared.

"Ah, that's right, we haven't been introduced! I'm Connor Delaney, at you service. Well, not really, that's just an expression" he smirked.

"Ah! So nice to meet you! And why are you on top of me, Connor?" the question was delivered surprisingly innocently, considering the situation.

"Oh, that. Well, I thought we could get to know each other a little better, since you'll be staying a while." Connor grinned at him mischievously. "So, what brings you here, mate?"

"That's easy! Francis invited me and Gil, and I just love the countryside so much, so of course I came!"

"Right… So what are you planning?"

Antonio blinked in surprise. "Excuse me?"

"C'mon, we both know Artie asked both of you to come so that he could get back on us. So, what are you planning to do?"

"We are not planning anything, amigo. We just want to enjoy the last days of Summer here! It's a really beautiful house, you know…"

"Listen, Antonio, was it? Why don't you just tell me like a good boy? I can really be quite persuasive if I wan't to" he leaned down slightly, so that his face was right above Antonio's, and smirked at the Spaniard. The man responded with a beaming smile and cocked his head to the side. "Oh, me too. I wouldn't start this game if I were you, irlandés." They kept on smiling at each other, faces inches apart, in a sort of strange staring contest, until the zipper of the tent was rapidly unzipped. "I'm- Oh, for fuck's sake! Will you just get out of here!? I'm so tired of all the weirdos in this house! Seriously, how is it that Arthur actually looks _normal_ compared to you lot?" Gilbert threw his arms up in exasperation. "And please, tell me you were not about to have sex, or I might actually go bonkers."

Antonio giggled and slid out of his sleeping bag, and from under Connor in one swift move. "Don't be silly, Gil. It was just friendly competition, si?" he winked at the Irishman.

"I don't even care anymore. I just want to go to sleep. Can you just fuck off, please?" the albino didn't even wait for the response and climbed inside his sleeping bag. Connor started making his way out of the tent, deciding there wasn't anything more for him to achieve there.

"Adios!" Toni bid him farewell, and then turned to face Gilbert. "They think we have a plan."

"Do they, now?" Gilbert smirked and opened his eyes. "Good. It's gonna be fun, then."

* * *

><p>"So… you don't have a plan?" Arthur tried to make sure he actually understood Antonio's chaotic explanation.<p>

"No! But they think we do, that's the fun part. We just have to act a little conspicuous, and they'll be preoccupied with trying to figure out what the plan is. Hence - they won't bother you, or the boys!"

"That is quite clever" Francis admitted. Arthur still didn't look convinced. "But… are you sure you're okay with this? I mean, sure, they won't bother us, butI'm sure they'll bother _you_ plenty."

Gilbert just laughed and waved his hand at that. "Don't worry, Artie, this could actually be kinda fun!"

"Well, if you say so… then I guess the idea isn't half bad. It could actually get them off our case for a couple of days."

"It's a fucking brilliant idea!"

"And what suddenly got you so enthusiastic about the whole thing?" Arthur asked suspiciously.

"Well, it could be the fact that two of your brothers decided to chloroform and interrogate me last night. But it's mostly because I'm awesome."

"They did _what_!?"

"Ja, there is seriously something wrong with them. I mean, I know I'm weird, but they're _weird_."

"Good grief! I… I'm so sorry, Gilbert! I invited you here, and you got _drugged_ by my _brothers_, I…" Arthur stuttered, clearly horrified by what had happened.

"Hey, don't sweat it, man. I'm fine, and it's not your fault. You two just have fun, alright. Consider it a late wedding gift or something. Even though I actually gave you the best wedding gift ever already" he beamed.

Francis chuckled at that, and Arthur raised an eyebrow. "Gilbert, you gave us both t-shirt's that said 'Gil's bitch' as a wedding gift."

"Yeah, I know, you're welcome for the privilege. Sometimes you just can't contain the awesome…"

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><p><strong>AN:**

**I don't even know.**

**I'm so sorry this took so long, it was due to a horrific combination of school work, sickness and social obligations (yeah, I actually have those from time to time).**

**I think I might be awful at multi-chapter fics, judging from how I've been doing with this one. It lives it's own life, and sometimes just gets angry with me and I don't know what to do about it. One-shots are so much easier…**

**So, what did you think? I thought a little explanation of the Kirklands would be nice. Also, I don't think Allistor is evil. He's a dick, obvs, but it's mostly because of his childhood I think.**

**As always, please share your insight, and thanks for the support, guys! All the fabs, follows and especially the wonderful things you say have been a huge motivation for me to keep going!**


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